


SPEND SOME TIME ALONE INSIDE MY HEAD

by elvass



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Teenager stuff, anger issues, devi is a teenager grieving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:07:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23956624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvass/pseuds/elvass
Summary: Character study of Devi Vishwakumar, or how everything has to fall apart if you want it to come back together.
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 2
Kudos: 77





	SPEND SOME TIME ALONE INSIDE MY HEAD

_i_.

“I’m quitting harp” it’s not because she can’t walk anymore, she can actually play even in a wheelchair. However, every time she thinks of touching the instrument something in her chest makes her want to put a knife in her left thigh. Her mother doesn’t say anything, her face got old all of a sudden. She’s full of wrinkles, she has the blackest bags under her eyes, and she doesn’t smile anymore. Not that before she was always full on smiles with big teeth, but she looked more relaxed, and now she just looked like a ghost walking.

Some cousin from India is moving in the house in a few days. She doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or not, but maybe she would be nice enough to help her get the nachos from the top shelf. Maybe she’s like Devi, and she’s moving because she can’t stand living in India. That would be cool, they could watch _Queer Eye_ together and thirst over Antoni. Her mother is still silent, but she moves her head towards the harp in the living room. She wants to scream and run somewhere far away, but her legs don’t work and she stares at the instrument, just like her mother is doing, from the kitchen table with anger inside.

“I’m quitting harp” Devi repeats because it’s the only thing she manages to do. Maybe this her mother would react, or at least do something. In her mind, Devi is literally destroying the whole place. Plates are flying and food is on the ceiling. She can get an emotion out of her mother, and they can argue like they used to be. But that’s just in her head, the reality was very much different.

“Ok” her mother answers finally, and there is really nothing to say to that, for real. Devi is not even sad to quit, maybe it was time for a new extracurricular activity. Maybe something that will surely make the Princeton application looks even better. Maybe improve in Chinese? Nah, that’s Ben’s shit. She doesn’t even want to think about that guy.

She opens her mouth to ask her mother if she can have some snacks after dinner, but her expression is once again dull. It makes Devi sick. It’s true that _it happened_ less than a week ago, but still, shouldn’t they move on already? 7 days is a long ass time, and it is what it is. Everything’s already fell apart, there is no way back, they should only focus on the future.

Devi stares at her mother for the last time. She looks at the way she takes the plates from the table and puts them in the sink without blinking or watching something in particular. She’s blocked in the wheelchair, and maybe, instead of playing the harp, she should really write a novel. _Brilliant_ she thinks while her mother’s sobs reach her ears from the kitchen. Yeah, a novel is a perfect idea, a good romance is always the answer.

_ii_.

Nobody notices that she quit the orchestra, not even Fab or Eleanor do, but that’s fine. Or maybe they pretend they don’t notice, they can be like that sometimes, not to make her feel cornered. They’re carrying her around all the time, that’s already too much for them to deal with, so it’s fine even if they don’t notice for real. When they walk together in the hallways, sometimes Devi is lucky enough to see Paxton Hall-Yoshida goofing around with the others from the swimming team. Every time it happens, it’s like Devi feels literally blessed by the universe for a fraction of seconds, then someone laughs at her wheelchair, and reality hits her hard.

While they go to English lit, Devi tries to tell Eleanor about her plan of writing a novel, but she’s not as excited as she expected her to be. Being in the drama club and all, Devi thought that Eleanor would be jumping around and blabbering all the sonnets about love she knew.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should take it easy for a while?” it sounds like a question, but it isn’t. Devi doesn’t understand, eyebrows furrowed and lips tight. For a while? It’s almost a month since _it_ happened, and she’s been in a wheelchair for the same amount of time. Does she need even more time?

“What do you mean?”

“Just relax, Devi, nobody is running to get you” and if it was Ben, that would have been a really low insult. But Fabiola has no sense of humor whatsoever, and she isn’t really able to insult people.

“What Fab is trying to say…” Eleanor must have looked at how Devi’s face shifted at the comment “it’s that you should have some more time with yourself, just for a while.”

“Exactly! Maybe you can spend more time in physical therapy? Also, whatever happens, I’m sure to build you the best legs…”

The thing is that since she came back to school, a lot of people just started staring at her. Literally, even at this moment, there are at least 10 people looking at her and whispering something referring either to her legs or _it_. She knows because she can hear what the others say. So, she really has no heart in contradicting her friends who are literally being dragged into the abyss just to help her. They don’t deserve it, but that doesn’t mean she can’t feel sad for them not supporting her idea.

“Yeah, I’ll think about it” Devi says, but what she thinks is that when her book will become a best-seller, and they want to make it a movie starring KJ Apa without his t-shirt, well, Eleanor and Fab will have to wait to watch it in the theater. 

iii.

Today is one of those days when Ben Gross has beaten her for one point. It’s chemistry, she doesn’t even like chemistry, but Devi is still mad. What the actual fuck. She doesn’t do anything if not studying, so how is that even possible? One fucking point? Really? Is the universe messing with her or something?

Devi is frustrated. Everything in her life is going even worse, way worse than when _it happened_ two months ago, or almost drowning because her legs stopped working. It’s like all her body is vibrating, while fucking Ben Gross is grinning and is being pleased by this win.

Everything is so messed up, she can’t even listen to her teacher properly, because her mind is only filled with rage. The 98 is right in front of her. Then her vision blurs, and the flask that is next to her is crushed on the ground in million pieces. She knows she’s done. That was too much, she’ll get detention and…

“Ben, can you call the Janitor? Devi? Why don’t you go to the infirmary for a while? You seem tired, Fabiola can help you” the professor doesn’t even look angry. He looks like he’s pitying her, but for what? She just destroyed school property and she receives pity? And like nothing happened, Devi is in the infirmary, and Fabiola is back in class. The nurse asks her a bunch of questions, but Devi still feels numb.

Her mother comes after almost half an hour, her expression is stern, and she doesn’t look like her teacher. She’s angry like any other person is supposed to feel in that situation.

“ _Kanna_ , why can’t you behave?” then she moves to talk with the nurse, and Devi still hasn’t opened her mouth. The old lady whispers something on her mother’s ear, and she sighs.

“Let’s go home” they don’t speak in the car, weirdly enough her mind is still focused on the 98 of the chemistry test, and the broken flask on the ground. Devi wants to know what was Ben’s face. He was probably scared, the thought made her slight smile. He should be scared of her. She’s going to beat him for sure next time. She knows her mother is holding up tears, she can see it in her eyes.

When they arrive, Kamala offers to help Devi go back to her room. Her mother says yes, and Devi is left with Kamala speaking about her research of whatever she is working on and her head full of plans on how to destroy Ben Gross.

iv.

After three months of _what_ happened and the same in a wheelchair, Paxton Hall-Yoshida’s abs managed to make Devi stands up. It looks like a miracle, and well, Paxton’s abs are indeed a miracle according to her. Her mother smiles for the first time, and maybe something is going well in her life.

It’s summer, so she’s at the mall with Eleanor and Fabiola. It’s so good to be able to take the stairs, she almost can’t remember what was like being seated all the time. They’re getting ice cream, and it looks like the perfect day.

“I can’t wait to go to this play on Friday night!” Eleanor is blabbering about some romance she wants to see and Fabiola brought her robot with her because it doesn’t know it’s a robot and it needs to experience teenage life like them.

They’re a weird trio, and that’s the first time that Devi is hit by these thoughts. Across from them, the swimming team with a bunch of cheerleaders are doing TikTok while drinking milkshakes, and Devi envies them. Paxton is with them, and also Ben is there. He managed to date Shira, from the softball team, and now he suddenly became sort of popular.

Devi doesn’t like to feel like this. Nobody is staring at her anymore, luckily, but something is unsettling her. Why is that? She loves her friends, they stuck with her during the lowest point of her life, but still, something is missing. Her heart still feels heavy. 

Since she got her legs back, Devi spends the majority of her time watching herself in the mirror. She looks ugly. She doesn’t like what she sees. She has black thick hair everywhere, and her nose is too big. She wishes she was like Priyanka Chopra or even Kamala. Kamala has no problem whatsoever. She is beautiful, smart, and the perfect Indian daughter. Devi is finally able to talk more with her mother, but everything seems to be connected to the fact that she’s not Indian enough. But it’s all bullshit.

“Girls? Why don’t we go see some clothes?” but Fabiola and Eleanor are talking about something else. They smile and they don’t seem bothered by their lack of popularity or by the fact that everyone thinks they’re losers. She doesn’t even care that they’re ignoring her, Devi moves her eyes once again towards the popular gang of the school, and she meets Ben’s eyes. He smirks while hugging Shira tightly, and receiving a pat in the shoulder for doing it without her permission.

Something turns on in Devi’s head, and she finally understands what she needs to finally find peace with herself: a _boyfriend_.

v.

When finally school starts, Devi has a plan, and she wants Eleanor and Fabiola to be part of it. It’s finally her year, she can walk, and everybody (except for her therapist and her mother) forgot about _it_. They still stare, because they think she’s a bit of a freak for being able to walk after three months, but still, it will pass sooner or later (better sooner).

It’s finally time to find a boyfriend. The plan is simple. She will get someone popular to date and everything will finally come together. Everybody will love her, and all that feeling empty that is in her chest will disappear forever. She will get stellar grades, and her Princeton appy will look even better than ever. She will be happy and fulfilled, and everything will be okay.

“Okay so, Fab you can go and flirt with Gomez, and Eleanor the Russian exchange student is all yours…” they look skeptical, but they don’t really question her “I’ll go with Jonah Sharpe”

“Isn’t he gay?” Eleanor ask.

“He’s still hasn’t come out, and he’s extremely popular” Eleanor is even more against it, but still, they will get over it, and when they’ll become popular they will thank her. They will realize that being at the top of the popularity scale is what everybody is looking forward to being and that their life will get better by default.

The plan backfires once Paxton Hall-Yoshida ends up in the same history class of them, and everything literally falls apart. He smiles at the class, and Devi feels his stomach all unsettled, and _damn boi_ , how can you be so _damn_ bright? Ben is still an insufferable ass, but even only the presence of Paxton in class changed her mood drastically.

 _Fuck Jonah, I want Paxton_ , and from that thought, everything fell apart even harder.

vi.

So Eleanor has a boyfriend already, okay _whatever_. Ben Gross is still Ben Gross, but hey, did just Paxton agreed on having sex? Cool, cool.

vii.

The therapist keeps on nagging her about her father. Uhm. She realized she hasn’t thought even of the word father in a while. But whatever. There are more important things to talk about. Hello? Paxton Hall-Yoshida? Having sex?

She asks about Ben, but who the fuck cares about Ben? Paxton is much more important. She wants advice on how to be sexy, she wants to know all of the tricks to have a spectacular first time. But the therapist doesn’t agree.

She’s in her room with Eleanor and Fab, they say that research will help. She’s not so sure, but trying is harmless. Her mother doesn’t get in the room while they try to found porn, and Devi calls it a win. She still doesn’t know anything about sex, but Fabiola accidentally almost hit one of the pictures of Devi and her father together.

Her chest hurts, Devi says to herself that it’s because she drank too much cola. Yeah, too much sugar.

viii.

_Ganesh Puja_ is a big deal. She doesn’t like it, but it’s still a big deal since they didn’t go last year. Kamala is more nervous than usual, and her mother is praying for her to just not be embarrassing, especially in front of the aunties.

Devi is been feeling like under the bus for so much at this point, it’s not even bothering her that the guy driving the Tesla is not interested in helping her. And what was his fucking problem? Using her dead dad to get more attention? That guy was sick in the head, period.

Like, her highlight of the week was when she was with Paxton. After the party. At the Hospital. After being attacked by a fucking coyote. Of course, it wasn’t the spirit of her dad. Her dad is dead. He’s not coming back, and she feels extremely sick about it.

But maybe, _well_ , maybe some miracles do exist.

“You look nice” Paxton told her, looking at the outfit and smiling like he usually does. His bright and nice smile.

 _Ganesh Puja_ is a big deal, but this year maybe a little bit better.

ix.

So, maybe going to the MUN conference was one of the most genius ideas Devi got in a while. But she needed to get away from her mom, and her strict Indian bullshit, and all of the negativity. And okay, she is not really into the whole United Nations hype, and Ben Gross is here too, but still, she’s trying really hard.

However, the weirdest thing is that Ben Gross is actually not so bad. It came as a strange realization, as putting together in the same sentence nukes and BTS. But Ben is nice, and maybe Devi found a friend in him. Maybe he would stop to insult Fabiola and Eleanor too and they can all hang out together.

“World domination” he says, with big full teeth smile. There is no ulterior motive behind it, and Devi feels her heart somehow a bit less empty. Maybe it’s the alcohol, and she doesn’t connect fully all the dot. But right now at that moment she’s happy, and Ben Gross is why.

Life is indeed full of surprises.

x.

The first time she actually thinks of her father is the night Paxton kisses her, and her friends and Ben just straight-up messed up with her. She was just trying to help Fab, okay? Why would she want to embarrass her? That wasn’t the point. And Ben? Trying to kiss her? Twice? She still needs to metabolize that.

It’s so weird though. Her father would have been the last thing in her head, but again, here she is. But she knows that it’s because of her uncle's fault. Why would she mistake him for her father? They don’t even look alike! Not even close!

Paxton Hall-Yoshida kissed her, like _full tongue_ and his hand on her hair, but images of her father are playing like a supercut in her mind. She laughs at herself for being so childish. It’s been months now, she couldn’t be sad about it again. Paxton kissed her, and that’s about how she will remember the night.

Devi cries herself to sleep for the first time in eight months.

xi.

Ben’s house is very nice. She knows, she remembers it from the party, but she didn’t really see the whole house, and that theme room? The bed is literally so much better than the one she has at home.

She knows she is actually at the lowest she can be. She lost everyone. Fabiola and Eleanor are on a ‘friend-break’, and her mother just straight-up insulted Paxton, and then she told her mother that she wanted her dead. So, yes, life couldn’t be playing a crueler joke on her.

India was not in her plan. That was yet again the same bullshit her mother was pulling since the death of her father. Now she was using for real the excuse of spreading the ashes to trying to get her.

Devi knows. It’s only some kind of charade to make her feel guilty. Well, she _does_ feel guilty, she shouldn’t have said all of those things to her when Paxton left. But that was how she was feeling.

“What are you even wearing?” is the first thing that comes out of her mouth while Eleanor, Fabiola, and Ben get in the room. Yes, she was a shitty friend, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about them. She misses them dearly and now she knows that they miss her too it’s really what she needed to hear.

Maybe in that fraction of second, when the girls hug her, and Ben watches them with a fond smile. Devi understands something. Maybe it’s not really having a boyfriend or being popular. Her chest is not feeling empty, and she feels warm and nice. There is only one thing missing, and she knows what she has to do.

“I’ll get you there” and in a second Ben is driving for the first time the highway to bring her to Malibu. Her eyes are still watery, and she feels like she’s been kicked in the stomach by a horse. She doesn’t want to be late, she doesn’t want to miss it because she was a bitch to her mother.

The car stops, she runs, she screams and John McEnroe screams with her.

Devi makes it, and when she cries embraced by her mother and Kamala, she knows she’s feeling full for the first time in a while.

xii.

“You stayed”

“Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you were okay”

Okay, if it is for kissing Ben, maybe she could rethink about the boyfriend thing once again.

**Author's Note:**

> well, i loved devi, i felt personally connected with her traumas and the way she griefs, and also I’m such a super ben gross stan
> 
> Ps. I changed the title, idk why now I think it fits best


End file.
